Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize