***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
