My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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