I swear she didn't look like that last week.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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