Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
