I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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