There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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