i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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