Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
