Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
