A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
