dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
