You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
