He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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