I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
