I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
