You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
