Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
