I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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