If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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