She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
