i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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