glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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