New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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