i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
