so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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