dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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