Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
