I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
