I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
