Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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