You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
