I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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