Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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