i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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