look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
