Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
