she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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