It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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