I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
