I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
