I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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