So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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