Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
