and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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