I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
someone owes me an orgasm
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I wear drunk well.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
