Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
