i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize