Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
