I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
