remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Still dying that you shit outside
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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