come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
