1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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