At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
