Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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